In a meeting with my boss a few days ago, I caught myself saying things that I would quickly regret. My boss is a man. We have an OK working relationship and can chat about things, as equals, on topics not related to work. Anyway, during this particular conversation, I became aware that I had been prefacing my sentences with, “I feel like…” or “I think that…” and/or ending sentences with “…I think” or “…maybe” as I trailed off. Though I was conscious of it as it happened, it seemed to be reflexive and I had to fight to curtail it.

Any expert or non-expert will tell you that women speak differently than men. There’s the uptalking (drives me nuts). The vocal fry (drives me nuts even more). And the self-effacing “I think” kind of talk that wormed its way into my conversation, the kind that’s the worst, really, because it simply screams self-doubt. In my recent example, I knew what I was talking about and didn’t need to question what I was saying. Didn’t stop me from doing it, though.

So, why? Are these verbal tics (like, “like” and “y’know” and snorting into microphones)? Does every thought have to be validated? Or subject to questioning?

I’ve been in meetings with women who’ve done this. Every time, I’ve wanted to say, stop that, your opinion matters, and you’re right, anyway. And I’ve been in meetings where some big (either in terms of stature or position in the company or both) guy can walk in an hour into it, assess the scene in five seconds, and put forth an edict opinion that changes the entire direction of the conversation. Nobody ever challenges the guy! (Well, I did, once, and all it did was delay the change of direction by about 10 seconds.) As women, are we only supposed to sit there and smile?

Smiling, by the way, is dangerous. I’ve been told, at different times, of course, that I smile too much, that I should smile more, that I laugh too easily, and why the long face. And then, a couple of weeks ago, I smiled at the wrong person, who got all chit-chatty and found me on LinkedIn and started messaging me on LinkedIn and looks at my profile all the time. Nothing more has happened, but it’s creepy somehow and I no longer want to walk the halls of my office building (which poses a problem, since the bathrooms are outside the office). There’s that self-doubt again, as in, did I do something to invite any attention? Did I do something wrong? I felt so gross and uncomfortable about it that I told my boyfriend everything, like a confession, and I didn’t even do anything!

I wonder if this weird encounter (or short series of encounters, really) set the self-doubt in motion. I also wonder if being hyper-aware of it will make the verbal tics stop. That remains to be seen. Meanwhile, if anyone has any ideas on how to appear pleasant, but not attract unwanted attention, I would love to hear them.